sorta.. but also everywhere too..

Here is an excerpt from my forth-coming book:
“We.” By Cordell Klier

Hope you enjoy the passage. :)

____________

“we start out our lives being controlled by our emotions.
..being controlled by others.
we quickly find this doesn’t work.

we begin slowly to take back our power.
this causes a disruption, and many obstacles.
we are either offensive or defensive.
often considered to be rebellious.
we quickly realize how this doesn’t work either.

we consider isolation and withdrawal in order to escape.
being alone offers us a sense of freedom, until we get lonely.
we quickly realize this also isn’t going to work.

we witness others living and thriving.
either thru jealousy or resignation, we re-enter the world.
..ego still perched on the look-out for what it must have and have now.
so we begin a study of things from where and how we are.
a labyrinth appears.
we get lost, confront the minotaur of personalities; our own and others.
we want to make this work.. we have to, so we forge onward.
until we are finally crushed by the weight of our lack of self-acceptance and frustration.
we then turn to the sky and ask, “what am I doing wrong, please someone help me.”
we cry the hardest of cries.
in silence we wait.. but, feeling slightly more at ease.

we stand back up, give up trying to make it work, and like magic we exit the maze as if we had a map.
even the minotaur assist us out of pity.
we recognize the chess-game we’ve accidentally entered.
..suddenly respecting the floor plan and the time-based opponent.
we respectfully end the game and bow out.

we move on, and head into research.
this leads to much dogma, coercion, bewilderment.
yet we try on many hats.
many of them fit strangely.
many more of them fit uncomfortably.
we realize this isn’t going to work either.. but this time we take what we’ve learned
… and artistically weave together our own hat out of the scraps of other ideas; other hats.

we enter back into the world feeling nervous, slightly odd, unconventional, and seemingly unique.
we re-enter this world kind of showing ourselves.
some respect this and admire this.
others find us distasteful and stupid.
yet this time around, we don’t mind their opinions, nor react to their opinions.
this slightly starts to work.. but there is still a block to many things.

over time we again look to the sky, and this time also the ground..
“what am I doing wrong? please, I beg you, whomever is listening, please help me..”
… we think to ourselves, “how do I know to ask this question, how odd to talk with something or someone I’ve not met, nor even know to exist?”
…”where is this voice coming from in my head enough to talk to myself? I have no ears or mouth in my mind??”
suddenly we witness that we have an “inside” self.
we feel less alone now.
with great joy how we begin to see this world begin to clarify greatly and quickly..
“perception is the key”, we begin to understand.
we reformulate our objectives and question our motivations.
things outside of us begin to ease up.
we feel strengthened and almost secure.
this gives us confidence.
we start trying new things, maybe even move somewhere else.
start over & begin a-new, as if being reborn.
this feels wonderful, …until, we realize that we take ourselves with us where ever we go.
this gets discouraging.
..but things are still slightly working out.

out of curiosity, instead of desperation this time, we ask the sky, the ground, and our inside voice, “am I missing something? why is this only half working?”
then, we get quiet to hear within ourselves.
just like the silence we entered when we asked out of desperation the first time.
the inner voice and voices chatter on, but no suitable answer is uncovered..
yet!.. ..when it finally shuts up something unique occurs..
within that silence we get a glimpse of something, something amazing & wholesome.
we really want and like this wholesomeness.
the ego wants to explore this as well, but is frightened of what it might mean, because that wholesomeness requires us to do nothing but simply be and enjoy being.
this is confusing, but overall exciting.
so we sit quietly again until the brain-chatter finally gets our of the way – and there it is again!
we stand up and jump for joy… even go and tell our half-friends about it.
some believe us. something think we are full of nonsense.
we question whether this really happened, so we try again.
our confusion and lack of trust makes it hard to get there again, ..we begin to place that feeling as a ‘place’ somewhere outside of us.
thankfully even in our lack of understanding of what this wholesomeness is, we get a few more glimpses.
“it is real! it is exquisite! it’s what I’ve been searching for all my life!”, we excitedly exclaim to ourselves.
we want more of it; devote our lives to this place, learn how to enter it quicker and longer each time.
the others around us begin to see a change in us.
some enjoy this change and feel we are somehow ‘better’.
while others get annoyed and think we are crazy and misguided, filled of false beliefs.
..almost even offensive to their sensibilities.
we wonder if these people are worth keeping within our sphere of being.
some drop away naturally, while others cling to us and challenge us.
we view our jobs and culture in broader strokes; and of a looser glance.
our rigidity of what “should be” begins to fall away.
suddenly what seemed to not work before begins to work quicker somehow.
almost easier.. but still not quite right.
“how can this be”??
puzzled we keep going. often going back into the places where we “failed” before to try again.
“what the heck?? – it is working now? why?”
we enter into more research.
..enter into more things that resemble the old mishaps, begin to feel less heavy.

over a long period of time we begin to put the pieces together.
an image of “peace” begins to take shape.
“that’s all this is???”, we think to ourselves: “how to get along? “..inner peace?”
“..the art of allowing, ..non-judgment?? this is all it is, something this simple, how can this be??”
slightly in wonder we notice the definitions we place on things.
“I’m here.
you’re there.
it is over there.
it is it.
that is that.
we are together.
we are apart.
we are only parts…. !..” this last one shocks us.
….we begin to broaden our perspective of our selves, of the world… even more.

we look to the sky and the ground and within and almost as if thru the eyes of another: “if I’m not just me, and not just here – nor there, what, when, how, why, & where am I?”
so many more questions.
you begin to notice that such questions connect us to the world.
we study some more and learn from others that we aren’t just our bodies, nor just our thoughts.
this freaks us out, but makes sense considering the voice in our heads.
life is working out better, but there is still so much missing…
..so much still not really completely working.
“why?”

…that’s when we discover that we aren’t just in one place.
that the “WE” that we are isn’t just our personalities living in a home,
within a block,
within a town,
within a city,
within a state,
a country side,
a nation,
an environment,
a climate,
a culture,
a belief system,
a nation,
a country,
a society,
a continent,
a species,
a world,
a planetary system,
a universe,
a multi-verse,
a (k)osmos, …
then it hits us..
..that initial feeling of wholesomeness connects us to something unimaginable.
the indescribability is profound; enlightening.
we are somehow altered from the inside-out into a state of grace & poise.
we slightly know an actual “something”.. about ourselves, ..about others, about …life?
..this, … ..this begins to work.

we feel connected to everything somehow. but cannot hardly explain it.
our struggle loosens hold.
our body seems to be lighter, as if able to take in more air.
stretching seems simpler as well..
things and situations get easier and often more fun.
we start eating better, and feeling healthier.
all the people around us may resemble those that once bothered us, but these new-but-similar-people are supportive, kind, and we like them; they like us.
we have a sense of being guided.
sometimes even out of our own way.
we begin to speak from an inner truth that is even more within then the truth seemingly from what we once “thought” we were.
this is really beginning to work.
..and work wonderfully.

soon we learn to get out of the way.
..and let this “indescribable connected thing” begins to work thru us.

“oh my god, …this is what was missing!”
as if we have found the partner we’d always been searching for.
the parent we’d always been searching for.
the coworker..
..the doctor..
…we are not just feeling better, we are actually beginning to feel an odd notion of improvement.

at first we get a little bit arrogant.
..yet, we quickly learn that this is too much like before.
so we curbed that feeling.
..humbled we just begin to watch how this is playing out.
we like this.
this works.
this really works.
..and also feels marvelous.

but now what do we do with this “work”?
..also more puzzling.

we are getting what we ultimately wanted.
we’ve even begun to identify with some of what we thought we wanted, as actually something that isn’t necessary.
we even begin to give some of our stuff away.. which ironically brings in more stuff.
this really freaks us out.
“why and how does that work?” we ponder to ourselves.
so we try this again.
“WHAT THE HECK?! ..but, ..but.., I gave stuff away. And yet I get back more stuff??!!”
This is very weird, but actually feels really good.
So we continue to do this.

Within a very short time we notice that we aren’t just surviving anymore, because all of our needs are being met.
Our wants are attainable and sustainable just like our needs.
“Wow..”, feelings of relief and trust begin to overflow from within us..
we begin to cry.. but this time from a place of joy.
we feel so grateful that the feeling is so hard to contain.
“life is ..actually.. wonderful!”, we decree.
we love this, and continue to give and receive, live graciously and feel enjoyment and love.

“eureka! ..now this, ..this really, really works..”

but then we notice others struggling..
..others in trouble..
..others.. ‘hurt’.

“crap!.. this doesn’t feel right. why do I have all this, and they have so little? it doesn’t seem fair! ..doesn’t seem correct.”
… we slightly forget how hard our upbringing was, and feel the pinch of guilt.
we get a sense to do something about this.
fix this.
help others.
all others.
…we get people together or join forces with other people of the same disposition.
this feels exciting.
…but this only half-works… just like before.

“what. the. fuck. ..?”
“now why the heck isn’t this working? why are only a small handful actually getting helped out of this bad stuff?”
.. then you remember our days of glimpsing inner peace..
.. begin to remember our days of struggle..
.. our nights of woe..
.. who and how you felt..
… we take some time to reflect and think things thru more carefully.

we notice we can only help those that want to help themselves.
and sometimes we can only assist them to the capacity in which they want to be helped.
and they may even make choices after being helped that aren’t what we’d choose.
but we have a broader perspective now.. this used to annoy us, but now we are excited for them as we help them grow.
the parent child dynamic seems to have switched.
..and with time, the dynamic all-together begins to switch off when we start to learn from those younger than us.
this seems odd at first..
..even challenges the ego..
..yet we enjoy this because all of our lives we thought age meant that we were smarter, stronger, faster, better equipped, and (w)holier.
this brings a valuable insight.
“I can still grow.”
this is the sense of freedom we’d hoped to achieve.. but still there was a few peaces/pieces missing.

we go home to ourselves and our families and our lovers and partners..
.. to our towns.. to our nations and familiarities.
“what is missing?”, we humbly ask all that is surrounding and within us. “..what could possibly still be missing?”

…. “is it true that even suffering is allowable? ..is it true that pain and torture are wanted by some.. to be experienced and to be caused by others…? is this true?”

we think. we study. we ask more questions.
we get perplexing answers that seem counter intuitive.
we thought we knew so much. how can this be?

we reflect on the times within our own life that seemed painful and torturous.
how odd to us that we begin to understand that we were causing this to happen..
.. that much of the woe was interpretations of what was happening..
.. that much of our struggle and feelings of hopeless insecurity was… was… wasn’t really real at all.

………..our bodies fall to the floor in a slump of exhaustion and a feeling of being mixed-up.
we no longer look toward the sky and no longer have to ask from/towards within.
..”ah ha..”
this… these are the missing pieces.. the missing “PEACE’S”.

“I’m only half in this world.. this half is only co-creating with my other half. ..possibly a larger half.. in some indescribable elsewhere.”

we notice that this insight came in the form of a knowing.. kind of.. less of a question this time around.
..but, can we trust this insight?

aren’t we just like when we were kids, making yet another possible false judgment about the (k)osmos?

we wonder if we are wrong this time.. but the feeling of lacking-trust isn’t completely there this time.
so we feel more supported this time.
we feel able to handle this, this time around.

we get up and start our day again.

we begin to wonder what we needed and hoped for as a kid.
..begin to consider that maybe there are some universal needs that all things hope to implore and have within them.
so we take what we’ve come to know and start to teach, and learn from whom we are teaching.
… we finally begin to ‘share’.

no longer about giving and receiving, lack or abundance, limitation and opulence…
suddenly we calm down.

poise and grace return from within and there – as if standing before us – is our ego.
..standing outside of us, looking lost, scared, abandoned, and lonely.

“who is this ego?”, we wonder to ourselves.
“where does it come from and what does it want?”
… it looks tired and sad, disgruntled and fidgety, .. itchy and unfulfilled…
we know we cannot help it beyond its capacity to want to help itself.
we know it wants it’s struggle and it’s torture,…

“oh my… this ego isn’t real at all… it’s an image cause by… by… caused by MY FEAR…”
“HUUUUH!”… as if the wind is knocked-out of us, our mouth opens and then we see something we never thought we could see.

“… if life energy comes from the same place and is in all things, and animates all things in the same way via many different formations based on similar physical laws that bound a certain place of being, ..and thus.., forms all the unique intelligences of the (k)osmos, ..then, that would be mean that .. and all things being one.. that… ..and I’m not just the slice from it’s whole, because even a slice is still….”

we are now blown away.. (as we say)

we question to ourselves, “So.., is this heaven?
..it’s a term that many people throw around.
“..is this Valhalla, Nirvana.. because now that this fear is gone, nothing seems that hellish anymore..”

now life gets really, really, really good.
we now understand the puzzle’s teachings.
we welcome back the mysteries, and we relish within the uncertainties just like when we were excited kids.

we feel we are about to blossom like a budding tree.
..about to produce many new leaves and flowers.

we don’t just get it now, because we got it, … because we’ve always had it..
… the whole time.

…love.

…”

Namaste / Good Tidings
Cordell Klier