I've been thru a ton..

Diligence of Info.
or
Short & To The Point.

How did I survive the Gambit?

It’s tough for me not to write like I think. Talk like I think. Or write like I talk.
I either get abstract & lofty, poetic & courageous, or I get long-winded & get challenging.

But make no mistake about it, I most certainly walk what I talk.

…I’m not like most.

This used to upset me. ..Being unique I mean. I used to feel rather isolated.

I’d tend to always feel this need to be contrary to the flow of those around me as a way to feel less isolated?? Kind like pushing people away before they did it to me. Never really been sure why I did that until I did a self-inventory back in my early thirties.

This strange isolation sometimes gave me one hell of a perspective. Really though, it just plain left me alone with my thoughts a lot.. ..fervently lending a staircase with me eventually descending into a form of macabre loneliness. It was there that I found most of my insights about (what I thought was) the world early on. But, as I grew up, many of those insights were actually about pain, glory, hope, constriction, sovereignty, lust, and transgression. ..Yes.. ..I had a lot of trouble as a young adult. Fitting in was never an option I’d even considered.

Then, I grew the f*** up.

Cuz life isn’t as dank as I was convinced that it was. Lying to people to hide my true benevolent nature wasn’t what is seemed cracked up to be anymore. Hiding myself never did anything but get me into situations with a lot of angry, lost, unmotivated, or overly motivated.. unconscious jerks.

Back then… I was the people that surrounded me into a forced isolation: I was not all that different then them. Just as lost. Just as secretly frightened and worried.

Now, `eh…not so much. Frightened and worried I mean. I’m more soul-leveled now. Less trying to rationalize my head into things it will never even try to quantify. Aka: matters of the heart, health of the body beyond my taste buds, etc.

How I do this thing called “Life” now is a very different story.
Thank god! Cuz had I continued down that crusty path I would have become the people I most loathed. .. Which is how I eventually changed my life. I stopped loathing and started to feel grateful.

Funny how that works… 😉

How did I start to do this? How did I get to starting to do this?

Well, I do this now by getting out of my own way. Back when I was learning to hone this skill, I just let life kick my ass around. Thanks to all the turmoil I put myself through I’ve been luckily clued back in on the fact(s) that “there is something awesome behind ‘IT’ ‘ALL'”. That is, if ya just take a breath and get out of the way long enough in order to get a minuscule glimpse of it.

Like a moron standing in my own shadow, I was missing my own light.

_____

My experiences in underground music left me with a lot of puzzling evidence about how things might be.. say, if you were to compact all-of-it into the lost-bag of tricks that it all ended up being for me. Heavy & cumbersome.. That bag-O-tricks is still strapped to the wandering hate-filled blackmetal punks covered in old-school Les Legions Noir patches..scurrying the internet for pirated-versions of the new Brighter Death Now disc, or some obscure old Belketre demo… and… Although I once understood that calling, now.. it just seems bloody tiring.

So, Why am I writing about all this?

Hard to say really…

In my heart there most certainly is still a connected to that quotient of life/music. Or, as I’ve dubbed it now, the wanna-be walking romantic-dead. occasionally I do want to kick back to some old Der Blutarsch, or Kvist, or Order Equilibrio’s first CMI release.. I guess I still enjoy the music’s spirit & atmosphere mainly. Not ever the intentions though.

I gotta be frank here.., the intention behind underground music has always made me laugh.. (especially while I was releasing music).. but boy those laughs sure suckered my ass in for 20 some years.

Don;t get me wrong though, I did learn a hell of a lot about what’s actually scary within this world. As well as how some of the nicest & generous people make some of the darkest music. I can also assure of this much: the people in blackmetal, death industrial, or occult punk are nothing to be afraid of. Seriously, I know the word satanist scares most folks a bit.. but really.. it’s a pretty damn benign. In fact, I’d honestly say that 90% of them are just using that music/art as an outlet to get over poverty-thinking, childhood community oppression while desperately trying to feel better about the world they know could exist, as well as hoping to get laid once in a while.

What’s really scary about the world isn’t the music most of those people make. So goes the same about any of the shenanigans of Lady Gaga for that matter.. or all this crud about Jay-Z being of the Illuminati… I studied that stuff for 20+ years, the crap people are throwing around the net now-a-days is pretty laughable.

…anyway..

Then, after all that dark ambient, noise, & BM nonsense in the 90’s, it was onto another side of the unconventional music spectrum. That being, Click & Glitch music. ..ug.. ..which lead me right into the heart of all things legitimately pretensions and cruelly elitist. 10 years of soundart and I went right back to the horrifically poorly Photoshop-ed covers of new-age music. Why cuz the people are waaaaay nicer… and actually have enough money to get a lunch.

And ya know.. it fuckin’ feels great. Soundart was as trite as blackmetal and neofolk. Just often with better visual art, and more appropriate product placement.

30 years of listening to all of that stuff, added to 20 years of publishing the music within these quadrants of life/music have taught me a valuable lesson:

Eventually You Will Leave All That Crap Behind.

..and it will feel wonderful.

……..It’s odd when your heart makes a choice that involuntarily vibes against your head in a obtuse way. Almost making you wanna throw up corpse-paint and upside-down-crosses as reminder of your old crooked past. (BTW those are still christian crosses – nothing evil about them).. and even though I know better now, knew better than (satanism has always made me crack up for how dumb it is), and have vigorously looked at my history of choices with perplexed-disdain, I have to say, that I’ve been making the right choices all along.

When I look back I kinda get this weird connection to something written by Milton.. I literally walked thru hell to find heaven. How simple.

For had I not gone thru all that I would have never gotten good at design work, advertising, marketing, PR, public relations, how to & how not to run a business, fashion, social etiquette, nor studied my ass off about what is honestly effective in this world. …Nor would I have learned how to deal with people’s crooked emotions, know what to listen to and what to finally get them to stop reiterating about their misery. I’d not have learned how to weather the storms of human-drama. So in many ways, my time in underground music was like going to boot-camp, then getting shipped off to war, damn near getting killed, and now I’m finally back on friendly soil looking at the world with a new found appreciation.

For me back then..
…I’d always looked at religion as having damaged this world on so many levels I couldn’t even begin to blog about it today. So really… why bother?

…Now, I just look at them all like I would the bands I used to promote, the families I’ve served, the Corporations I’ve branded, the Gangs I’ve avoided, the Clicks of Friends I endured, or all the Holistic Food Co-Ops that I’m enjoying as a grown adult. All of which are formed by individuals. Not all of them act like individuals. Some of them need the assist of that micro-whole. Some need to get the heck out of their own way.

..I guess I can actually say, I get it now.

But what I also get now is that “SPIRIT” is in ALL THINGS, PLACES, & most definitely, PEOPLE.

Spirit, or Source, or (K)osmos, or The Divine Spark, or Love Energy, or Tao (on some level or another) ..however you wanna term the mystery ‘it’.. ..makes a hell of a lot more sense BEING AROUND, then say not around. Cuz when ya honestly start looking at what works in this physical (and non-physical) universe, then say that of pretending the big “G” is this uber fascist jerk enjoying spinning-you-around-a-ferris-wheel-of-monotonous-torment which is why we have such beautiful flowers in Minnesota. ???

???!!
kinda silly huh..
..at least I tend to think so.

Becoming re-acquainted with the mysterious ‘it’ of all things; PLUS, re-learning to reconnect to the “BIGG-NESS” of my small-ness; just simply feels healthier.

________

I guess I’m writing this for myself. Much of what I write is to help others. Maybe this is remind myself that I’ve never left my totality no matter how many times I explored other options. Maybe you’ve had similar experiences in your life. Maybe what I went and did in my past adventures will help you with your current adventures.

So if you need any advice on how to deal with the thickness, book a session with me.

Eitherway.. I’m off to spend time with my partner…giggle..

Namaste / Good Tidings
Cordell Klier

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